


I Know You Can't Love Me, but I Love You Anyway

by Lunatic_Shipper



Category: D.Gray-man
Genre: Allen Walker has hanahaki disease, Bookman Lavi (D.Gray-man), Hanahaki Disease, Lavi has a heart, M/M, Not Beta Read, Timcanpy is the best boi, We Die Like Men, also despite the title this has a fluffy ending, despite the fact that he shouldn't, it's only in the last line though, it's specifically reserved for Allen though, spoilers for D.Gray-man
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-23
Updated: 2020-10-23
Packaged: 2021-03-08 19:48:34
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,059
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27162055
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lunatic_Shipper/pseuds/Lunatic_Shipper
Summary: Allen has Hanahaki disease. Because he's fallen for the one person who can't love him back.
Relationships: Lavi/Allen Walker
Comments: 3
Kudos: 34





	I Know You Can't Love Me, but I Love You Anyway

**Author's Note:**

> This is much more of a drabble than the last one. I didn't really know where I was going with it so I might expand upon it at a later date.

The Bookmen are knowledgeable about a great plethora of things. Even and almost especially about things that the general public don't know. But little is known about the Hanahaki disease, even to the Bookmen. Enough is known to know the cure. But not quite enough to spot the signs. 

Which is how Allen is managing to hide his illness from the Black Order. None of his friends in the Black Order, nor the higher ups have realised what Allen is suffering from. A few people, have figured out that something _is_ wrong. But none have figured out _what_ is wrong. Lavi and Leenalee, as well as Johnny and Reever have figured out something is wrong. Part of Allen thinks that Kanda might know, he's unsure as to why he thinks that. It's not like Kanda would care even if he _does_ die from it. 

So the only person to know is Timcanpy. Who doesn't really count considering that the Golem is with Allen constantly and has already, seen Allen coughing up flower petals on multiple occasions. Watched as his status got worse and worse. From the start of the disease, when the vines had only just started to grow around his heart and organs. To when the flowers started to grow and bloom. As Allen started coughing sans petals, to when the petals joined the coughing. The latest, development in his disease is that blood has started coating some of the petals when he coughs them up. 

Which is where he finds himself right now, hunched over on his bed, bloodied petals falling from his lips. Allen wouldn't be surprised if he starts coughing up whole flowers soon. His coughing fit is barely over when he there's a knock at his door. Shooting up from his hunched over position, he looks down at the bloodied petals in worry. There isn't time to get rid of them, but before he can do anything to try, Timcanpy eats them. He pets the golem in thanks before looking down at where the petals just were. There's a few bloodstains, but that's a problem easily solved by just flipping the cover over. Standing up from his bed, he licks the blood off of his lips and moves over to the door. As his hand makes contact with the handle, he wipes his mouth with his hand to check for blood (making sure to do it with his right hand of course). When his hand comes away clean, he opens the door to whoever's on the other side. 

Lavi stands on the other side of the door, and Allen feels the vines stretch up to his throat. "Lavi? What are you doing here?" 

The elder teen shrugs slightly. "I was walking past when I heard coughing sounds coming from your room. I got worried and wanted to check on you." He gives Allen a quick once over before meeting his eyes again. "Are you okay?" 

Allen feels more petals climbing up his throat, the urge to cough them up getting stronger and stronger. "Yeah I'm fine." He responds with a bright smile. "I was just eating too fast and choked on something." 

Lavi looks over Allen's shoulder, with a raised eyebrow. "There doesn't seem to be any leftovers in your room." 

Allen looks back into his room, feigning confusion before dropping his gaze on to Timcanpy. Who is still sat on the spot where Allen coughed up petals just a minute ago. Shooting the golem an apologetic smile, he opens his mouth to speak. "Timcanpy! Did you eat the rest of my food _again_?" Timcanpy just shows the teen a sharp toothy grin, seemingly proud of himself. 

Lavi looks between the two for a second with a raised eyebrow, before shrugging. "Alright. Whatever you say, Bean Sprout." Allen mumbles under his breath half-heartedly to not call him that. But Lavi just waves it off as always. Before throwing an arm around Allen's shoulders. The younger wants to both lean in to and shy away from the touch at the same time. "Well, want to come with me to get some more food? Make up for what Timcanpy ate on you?" 

Allen looks up and gives Lavi a fake smile. The urge to cough is getting stronger now and there'll be unshed tears in his eyes if he doesn't cough soon. "Sorry, Lavi. Maybe another time. I'm kinda tired so I'm going to get some sleep." Lavi stares at the cursed teen in shock. Before nodding his head slightly. After closing the door, Bookman Jr, waits outside of Allen's room. Resting against the door. Listening for any more sounds. 

It's silent for all of a few seconds, before he hears another coughing fit. This one maybe even more violent than the last. Allen's privacy be damned, Lavi throws the door open to see Allen curled up on the floor with bloodied petals lying on the floor in front of him. Almost enough to form the full flower. "Allen!" Lavi drops to his knees beside the other, as he coughs up the last of the petals. 

The white haired exorcist tenses up as he looks up at Lavi, a flower petal stuck to his lip with his blood. "Lavi? Why are you still here? You shouldn't be here." 

Lavi stares at the other in worry. Noticing how Timcanpy is hovering around his master's head. "Allen. How long have you had it?" Allen just tilts his head slightly. "Allen, please answer me. How long have you had it?" 

Allen drops his head, a sad faint smile gracing his features as Timcanpy lands to nudge at his fingers. "I don't know. About half a year probably. But it's fine." 

Lavi's eyes widen and he drops a hand onto Allen's shoulder, not missing the way he shies away from the touch. "Allen. Al, this is far from okay. Who is it? If you talk to them about it I bet you'll be okay. After all, who couldn't love you? Except Kanda, oh please don't tell me it's Kanda." 

Allen chuckles a little and despite himself, Lavi finds himself smiling at the sound. "It's not Kanda. And talking to them won't change a thing." 

Lavi, opens his mouth to reply but founds his throat dry. He clears it quickly before talking. "Well there's another way to get rid of it. Why didn't you come to me? And if not me at least gramps. He knows how to help you." 

Allen shakes his head again. Finally looking back up at Lavi. "It's okay, Lavi. I've already accepted it. Nothing could come of it, I know that. But my feelings are the only things I have left and I won't loose one of them forever." 

"Allen that's suicidal! You're going to die if you keep this up! Probably sometime soon." Allen nods his head slowly. "How can you be okay with that? And what about the war with the Noah? Allen you're one of our strongest fighters we can't afford to lose you." 

Allen chuckles slightly, and it unnerves Lavi. "Like I'd let my own stubbornness take me out of this war. Like I'd let my own stubbornness put my friends lives at risk." He looks up at Lavi with a fire burning in his eyes. "I thought you knew me better than that. If I do die during this war, I die on the field. Not from this. If not to drag down you guys. Then because I don't doubt they would blame themselves if I die." He lowers his head and his voice, stroking a finger of Timcanpy's head. "I can't have that. Not if I can help it." 

Lavi still can't stop staring at the younger teen. "Fine. But if you won't do anything about it, at least tell me who it is. If it can help protect you I want to know." 

Allen shakes his head firmly, while Tim nudges his hand again. "I can't tell you." 

Lavi looks hurt at that. "Why? Nobody else knows do they? Someone needs to know the whole truth. It might as well be a Bookman." 

Allen stares at him for a few seconds. Multiple emotions flash across his eyes. Lavi can't catch all of them because of how fast they're moving. But the one that he _can_ catch, is pain. "Lavi, please...." A few more petals force their way out of Allen's throat. The vines scratching it and once again drenching the petals in blood. "Please don't make me." 

Lavi pulls Allen into a loose hug, and after a few seconds of hesitation, agrees to Allen's request. "Okay. Okay, Allen. You don't have to tell me." The flowers in Allen's throat start growing again at Lavi's care and touch. Desperately, he starts pushing out of Lavi's grasp. Trying to get out of Lavi's reach before coughing up even more flowers. "Allen?!" He moves towards him and reaches a hand out to rub his back as he coughs up yet more flowers. But Allen scampers away from his touch before he can. If that wasn't surprising enough to Lavi, then Timcanpy hovering in front of Allen's curled up form baring his teeth at the rooms other occupant, definitely shocks him. "Allen. Why are you still coughing up flowers? It's just me here." Allen whimpers on the floor and a few more pitiful, almost wilted petals tumble from his lips. "Allen...?" 

Slowly, Lavi finally starts to understand. He's the cause of Allen's flowers. He tries moving towards him but the other just curls in on himself even more. "Please. I get that you've figured it out by now. But please don't say it." He doesn't raise his head, but he does turn his gaze on to Lavi. "I know that you're a Bookman in training so that nothing can come of this. Even if you did like me in the first place. But please, _please_ don't say anything. I already know this will kill me, but I don't want to stop loving you." With his statement out of the way, Allen finally starts to cry. A few more withered petals clogging up his throat as he sobs, forcing him to cough up more and more petals. 

Lavi watches his friend for a few seconds. He's been hiding how strong his feelings towards Allen are, for months. In accordance with how Bookman expects him to act. But now he wishes he hadn't. Because the boy in front of him is so close to death, and knows how close he is, that he's accepted it. Is willing to let these feelings kill him just to not have to loose anything else. Silently, so as not to alert the crying teen, he starts moving towards him. Stopping only when Tim hovers in front of his face, his teeth bared. Lavi just holds up a hand to pacify the little golem. Promising him he means no further harm to his owner. When Lavi gets close enough, he rests a hand on Allen's back, hating the way the other flinches at the contact. "Allen. Al, please look at me." Thankfully Allen does as he's told, flicking his tear filled eyes up to stare at Lavi. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry Al." The cursed teen tries to curl up on himself even more, but Lavi stops him by pulling him in to a sitting position and crushing him in a hug. "I love you too. I'm a terrible excuse for a Bookman honestly. I've never been able to completely get rid of my heart like Gramps wants me too. But you're the first person to ever make it beat. I love you, Allen and I'm so, so sorry that I hurt you." He pulls out of the hug ever so slightly to stare down at the other. "Please forgive me." 

Allen takes a deep breath before smiling brightly, a real smile this time. "Of course I forgive you. I love you, Lavi." His voice is slightly horse from the vines and flowers having disappeared from where they've been stuck in his throat for months. But it'll get better and Allen will heal.

Because he may be a sham of an Exorcist with the Noah (still) hidden inside him. But his lover is a sham of a Bookman because of his heart. What are pair the two of them make.


End file.
